Two warriors walked into a pit...

Time: 209 BC.

Scene: Under the shadow of Lishan (Li Mountain).

Two warriors wait patiently as the ranks of an army swells around them.

Warrior 1 (T): Hi.

Warrior 2 (W): Hey. How's it going?

T: Not too bad thanks. There are a lot of soldiers here. Do you know what's going on?

W: I heard that there's a battle brewing. The emperor has called in 8,000 of us infantrymen. Then there's another 100 chariots with 400 horses. There's even 300 cavalry horses - can't stand those pompous riders - you watch, they will be prancing around on the battlefield, not wanting to get their feet muddy.

T: Who are we supposed to be fighting against?

W: No idea. Could be anyone. Emperor Qin has his fair share of enemies.

T: My name is Te Re Co Ta, but my friends call me Tere.

W: I'm Wo Re-a. But call me Wazza.

T: Good to meet you Wazza. I'd shake your hand but my elbow's awfully stiff.

W: Tennis elbow?

T: What's tennis?

W: Never mind. What's with the bow tie mate?

T: I thought the summons said black tie. Apparently, Emperor Qin just rides under a black flag. Besides, it never hurts to look one's best, even in the thick of battle. I like what you've done with your hair. How do you keep it up like that?

W: Sorry mate, can't share those secrets with you. Otherwise, everyone will be wearing their hair like mine.

T: Oh come on, I promise I won't breathe a word of it to another soul.

W: Well if you must know, it's the clay from further upstream - it's much finer, so there's less volume. It's so much more manageable. But sshhh! OK?

T: Yeah OK. Why are you holding your hand out like that?

W: I'm waiting for my beer, but with service this slow, it'll take about 2,000 years.

T: Geez, what's that stench?
W: Smells like rotten fish.

T listens to a conversation in front of them.

T: Did you hear that? That officer just told his battalion that Qin Shi Huang is dead.

W: There you go. You learn something new every day. Dead emperors smell like rotten fish.

T: No, the rumour is that his eunuchs kept his death a secret for three months, but he started to get a bit on the nose, so they carted around loads of rotten fish to disguise the smell.

W: Why not stinky tofu? That stuff reeks.

T: Dunno. Maybe they were worried the villagers would eat the stinky tofu and that would be the end of the disguise. Or maybe the stinky tofu would have just made everyone want to gag.

W: All a bit strange for my liking. Guess Emperor Qin never found his elixir of immortality?

T: Guess not. I heard he sent off 1,000 humans to look for it. They never came back. Rightly so too - Qin would have executed them if they came back without it. He liked to rule with an iron fist and a sharpened sword. Hey, what are those humans doing up there?

W: Looks like they have massive timber beams. Ahh, they're building a shelter for us. Bless their mortal cotton socks. I hate it when my armour colour runs in the rain.

T: I'm not sure it's a shelter Wazza. We're in a pit. How are we supposed to get out?

W: You're right you know. They're covering the beams with reed mats. What's that thudding sound?

T: Clay and earth. They're piling it up on the reed mats. Confucious help us! What will we do? They're burying us alive!

W: Take it easy mate, we're not really alive anyway. It's going to be a bloody long wait for this beer though.